I think... Even if it was the wrong thing to do for everyone, I would have wanted to help my friends. [ ... Good thing it turned out to (probably) be best for everyone. ]
[ Somehow, this is making it easier to talk about it in a very matter-of-fact way. She doesn't sound particularly anxious. ]
It scares me a little bit. What if it had been the wrong thing to do, and I still would have done it? I had never had to think about those kinds of scenarios before.
[ Escha... learned some things about herself this game. ]
[he doesn't say anything immediately, playing with the cat toy to let his kitten play on the floor between them and listening to her talk. but he's nodding because it's about what he expected really.]
These games are always pretty bad at making us do things we never thought we had to do. But I think they're also a good way to understand things. Besides, what even counts as right or wrong in this situation anyway?
[ kitty... cute... and a very convenient distraction to be watching. ]
Luckily it turned out to be a situation where I can stand by my decisions. Maybe I'm just afraid of having to regret something I've done. I can't think of many choices in my life that I really regret, so it's a scary thought.
No, I get that. You want to do the right thing, and you want things to be okay. So having to make a choice where that might not happen is kind of terrifying because at least with "the right choice" you know the outcome will be fine.
...I had to make a lot of decisions in my other games that I wasn't sure I would regret later on or not. It never got easier, but it did feel a little better knowing it was for my friends in the end.
...yeah, but it's not exactly something that's gonna make me sound all that great. And I didn't regret it at the time or I wouldn't have done it. That just happened later.
[...] You remember I came from a game even before we were brought on the ship, don't you?
[oh...he actually kind of looks touched by that but does not say so out loud. codependency sure is real for thots.]
...fair enough. [but hm.] I tricked Carlos once into dying to save myself and our other teammate. Lied to him, got him to drop his guard, and then hit betray to leave him dying on the floor as Akane and I left. It was a timeline that we got to do over and jump from and it was something that had to happen in the longrun, I guess, but it's been...weird to think about.
Also I still regret hitting you with your own staff, I'm sorry about that.
[ She feels like she really can't judge that. Partly because her grasp of his situation is tentative at best, and partly because she was serious about the Thots Codependency. But also because - it's the same as games like these. It's about survival, and protecting who you can.
If he says it needed to happen, she'll trust that judgment. ]
That sounds similar to the kinds of decisions people are forced to make here.
[ ... ]
Um... And - that's okay. I could tell that it's not like you wanted to do it.
Yeah. It's a very similar feeling to watch, too. It's part of the reason I've been a little more sympathetic, I guess.
[but he shakes his head.] We should have tried so much harder to save you back then. You didn't do anything wrong and this time when people started accusing you for murdering Yu it was even worse somehow.
...but things happen for a reason. I didn't used to believe it until I started seeing how different timelines were formed. And I guess it helps knowing people will still be around at the end of things.
That's just human. People here feel that way about the others but...it's how the game had to go. We just got really lucky. [unfortunately he won't be the one to tell her otherwise because he gets it.]
...it's the hardest thing I've had to do, even though I've been doing it with multiple people for the last two years. But at least things feel closer to finishing on a high note than the last time. So we just have to keep going. No regrets.
I know. But it's just - everyone keeps saying I'm so nice or so sweet. And it's my job to take care of everyone. I know that it's human, and I'm only human, but I still go back and forth on it. Whether or not I'm okay with knowing that I play favorites.
[ When everyone keeps telling you you're great, it makes you feel that much worse about the actions you take that... Aren't great. But despite everything, she nods. ]
Well you are a sweet person. That part's not wrong. But you can still be nice and sweet while knowing what's most important to you. It isn't your job to be responsible for everyone else. The only people you should take care of are yourselves and the people you want to take care of.
...you can have empathy for everyone around you, but you don't have to be perfect. I know it probably doesn't help but that's just how I see it.
[ It's hard to argue with that, but also very hard to just have another conversation that boils down to justifying herself to herself. So she tries to brush past it. ]
At the very least, I'm glad that I was of more use to people this time around.
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We're all friends - I have no reason not to.
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I think... Even if it was the wrong thing to do for everyone, I would have wanted to help my friends. [ ... Good thing it turned out to (probably) be best for everyone. ]
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It scares me a little bit. What if it had been the wrong thing to do, and I still would have done it? I had never had to think about those kinds of scenarios before.
[ Escha... learned some things about herself this game. ]
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These games are always pretty bad at making us do things we never thought we had to do. But I think they're also a good way to understand things. Besides, what even counts as right or wrong in this situation anyway?
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[ kitty... cute... and a very convenient distraction to be watching. ]
Luckily it turned out to be a situation where I can stand by my decisions. Maybe I'm just afraid of having to regret something I've done. I can't think of many choices in my life that I really regret, so it's a scary thought.
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...I had to make a lot of decisions in my other games that I wasn't sure I would regret later on or not. It never got easier, but it did feel a little better knowing it was for my friends in the end.
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[ Mostly she asks because - if he did, she wants to know how he dealt with that. ]
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[...] You remember I came from a game even before we were brought on the ship, don't you?
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[ Ah... Thots codependency...
But - she nods. ]
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...fair enough. [but hm.] I tricked Carlos once into dying to save myself and our other teammate. Lied to him, got him to drop his guard, and then hit betray to leave him dying on the floor as Akane and I left. It was a timeline that we got to do over and jump from and it was something that had to happen in the longrun, I guess, but it's been...weird to think about.
Also I still regret hitting you with your own staff, I'm sorry about that.
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If he says it needed to happen, she'll trust that judgment. ]
That sounds similar to the kinds of decisions people are forced to make here.
[ ... ]
Um... And - that's okay. I could tell that it's not like you wanted to do it.
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[but he shakes his head.] We should have tried so much harder to save you back then. You didn't do anything wrong and this time when people started accusing you for murdering Yu it was even worse somehow.
...but things happen for a reason. I didn't used to believe it until I started seeing how different timelines were formed. And I guess it helps knowing people will still be around at the end of things.
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[ Like. Kara is dead to her now, which is pretty damn unfair of her. ]
... But most people that I love stayed safe through this. And... By the time someone didn't - we already had hope for ending this game right.
[ Hrm. ]
... It's still hard, though.
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...it's the hardest thing I've had to do, even though I've been doing it with multiple people for the last two years. But at least things feel closer to finishing on a high note than the last time. So we just have to keep going. No regrets.
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[ When everyone keeps telling you you're great, it makes you feel that much worse about the actions you take that... Aren't great. But despite everything, she nods. ]
But... No regrets.
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...you can have empathy for everyone around you, but you don't have to be perfect. I know it probably doesn't help but that's just how I see it.
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[ It's hard to argue with that, but also very hard to just have another conversation that boils down to justifying herself to herself. So she tries to brush past it. ]
At the very least, I'm glad that I was of more use to people this time around.
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