He's dead. Whatever the hell that was, it WASN'T him. He never had that look in his eyes. He wouldn't have stooped so low after everything we went through, either... I got through to him, even though it
Everyone inside was asleep just like before. I didn't know what to do with them, so I put them in the blue cabin with everyone else. Should I consider myself lucky that nobody has been on the second or third deck...? Well, maybe not. But if taxis ever go out of style, I'm your go-to girl for transportation. Using a chair to wheel them to the cabin is a lot easier than trying to carry them myself.
... I still don't know why I'm the only one who was awake, or why they were missing when I woke up. I'll keep looking into it, of course. But I don't know how long it's been and I feel like I'm starting to lose my grip.
Whatever. Get ahold of yourself, [this part is smudged.] Keep an eye on them. Make sure they're comfortable. And... cross your fingers and hope they show signs of waking up soon.
No, it's not like that. He's way too old for me, for starters, but we have a lot of things in common... and not in the fun away. Turns out, he went through something similar to what we did. The catch is that his situation was way worse. I feel bad for reacting the way I did. Hitting someone with a chair is not the way to make new friends. Guess I should consider myself lucky he didn't take it personally.
Though, I really wish I didn't feel nearly as relieved as I am to have somebody else to talk to.
Sorry.
That makes four buses, but it's only the two of us. Are all these people going to wake up? They dangled our happy endings over our heads, but who are we proctoring FOR if everyone else is asleep?
Three more buses arrived. Everyone inside was asleep... again. I'm worried we're going to run out of space before we get news on what this "game" will be. Just a year ago, I thought waiting for my SAT scores was as bad as it got. This is much, much worse.
And he's not taking it any better than I am. If what he told me is true, though, then I really hope this place is more than the saccharine death trap it seems to be.
It's kind of unlikely. But, hey. I can pray for a happy ending, can't I? I found a way to save everyone before. I can do it again.
An eighth bus showed up. And guess what? Someone walked out of it!
He's really sweet, actually. He doesn't deserve to be here. Neither of them do, really. They've been through more than enough, and I while I really don't want to be stuck in this place, I wish I was the only one in this crappy situation.
Beggars can't be choosers, I guess. There's what the three of us have in common. I couldn't ask for better company. I'm worried, though. Some of his friends were missing, too. Not only that, but he got the same spiel from someone he used to know. Do as I say, or lose your happy ending. Like they haven't gone through enough.
I really hope this is the last bus.
We've taken care of everyone the best we can, but it's depressing. I check on them every day and nothing has changed. I don't know what to do. Will they ever wake up? I just want my friends back.
There was a frickin hole in my chest. He was bleeding out and I was SO sure we were both fucking goners but
We're okay.
I think we really scared [there is a long section here, smudged to the point where it's completely illegible.] became something else after that. I don't want to see another mirror maze in my life.
They arrive here in a week. Our campers. Our jailmates. Our friends.
We did everything we could. That stunt we pulled fucked us up real good. But we still haven't found our way out of this. There's not a single loophole we can think of. That doesn't mean we can't buy ourselves some time, though. Heart had a good idea. We have to play their reindeer games, but the rules won't change until someone dies. For all the power this stupid camp holds over us, there's one thing they can't do. They can't force us to ask our friends to murder each other.
We'll stall until we find our own escape route. No one here deserves to die. Not Heart. Not Shadows. Not our friends. Not even the people asleep in my cabin.
They don't trust us. I get why, obviously. I would be losing my mind if I didn't know what was going on, too. But it still... hurts. A lot. I hate admitting it. He talked to me like I was a complete stranger. The other three didn't even look my way. Some douchebag with a sword fetish tried to strangle me.
I should be happy that our acts and disguises worked. I'm not.
I just feel tired.
Let's talk later. We don't have a lot of time, and we have to get this right.
It hasn't even been a week and I'm already sick of pretending to be someone I'm not. I know I have to, obviously. Complaining just makes me feel better. I can almost hear [another smudge] saying something about catharsis. Let it all out, kids! Jesus H. Christ.
My friend chewed me out today. I wanted to tell him the truth, and I couldn't. Will I still have friends by the end of this? Maybe not. It's not like he knows it's me, though. He just sees Winter Wizard... a stranger who might be lying to him.
Would it be better or worse if he knew it was me, his friend who is DEFINITELY lying to him?
I also hate boys who skinny dip after you specifically tell them not to. Why are men this way?
But I'm just trying not to think about what's really bothering me, aren't I?
Being on this side of thing is harder. Back then, all I thought about was catching the right person. The culprit. The killer. I guess it was for the sake of getting closure, or something. Knowing what I do now, I wonder if this is how the two of them felt. I feel terrible over what happened. I know I don't feel as bad as I should, though. And that makes me feel worse.
It's getting late. I'm going to check up on them one last time, and call it a night.
I know, I'm as shocked as you are. I was ready to get punched, or slapped, or yelled at... But we had a pretty good conversation. I have no right to feel this happy. I know that. But it felt great to be myself, even if it was for a couple of minutes.
I want to talk to the others, too. I don't know if that's a good idea. I said some things I shouldn't have. Claiming that I felt angry and scared are just excuses. I wouldn't blame them if they decide they want nothing to do with me. It wouldn't be the first time I win a prize for being a bad friend.
I'm thinking about him more lately, even though I shouldn't. Falling into old habits is bad for me. I know it wasn't my job to save him. But I still
It's because of the competition. That's obvious. I'm tired of watching people die. It feels like I've been doing nothing BUT watch people die lately. There's nothing I can do as a "proctor," though. If I try to interfere, someone else will get hurt in my place. At least, back then, I could do something even if it wasn't always the right thing. It feels selfish and self-centered to say this is worse.
It's whatever. If no one dies, then all of us die. Even worse, all 311 of us will lose everything we worked for.
I have to keep working. There has to be a better way.
Another day. I thought we were past the stage of being yelled at like we asked for this. Apparently not. My head hurts. But at least it's quieter here.
Checked up on them again. Nothing has changed, though I don't know why I keep expecting it to? I guess I'm hoping that, if they show any signs of waking up, that means things aren't as set in stone as they seem. Maybe it's naive of me. I don't know.
I have to keep working anyway. My team started off with less members than Shadows and Heart's. There has to be something I can do before we run out of time.
I know some of them are annoyed by it, but it was nice to pretend nothing was wrong even if it was only for a couple of hours. Hanging out with Heart and Shadows is fun. They're really cool, and being around them makes it easier.
Whatever happens, I want to remember that moment. Three friends. Teasing. Making fun of people we like.
I feel sick. My stomach really hurts and I don't know if it's better or worse that I didn't puke right in front of them. A stronger stomach was never on my self-improvement bucket list.
More work to do tomorrow. I should try to catch some sleep while I can.
They both came to me today. I missed them so, so much.
There's nothing I can do protect them but, if there's anyone I want to see get out of here alive, it's them. They don't deserve a round two of this bullshit. Not after all the work they put into getting us out the first time.
I still feel sick. Less sick after acting like myself again, but. . . It's not going to get easier no matter how many times I go through this. I know that. There's nothing else to do but grin and bear it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
DATE: ???
I am so fucked.
DATE: ???
I am still fucked.
He's dead. Whatever the hell that was, it WASN'T him. He never had that look in his eyes. He wouldn't have stooped so low after everything we went through, either... I got through to him
, even though itNo. Never mind. What should I do now?
I'm sorry, Mom. I'm sorry, Dad.
It looks like I won't be home for a while.
DATE: ???
More buses arrived.
Everyone inside was asleep just like before. I didn't know what to do with them, so I put them in the blue cabin with everyone else. Should I consider myself lucky that nobody has been on the second or third deck...? Well, maybe not. But if taxis ever go out of style, I'm your go-to girl for transportation. Using a chair to wheel them to the cabin is a lot easier than trying to carry them myself.
... I still don't know why I'm the only one who was awake, or why they were missing when I woke up. I'll keep looking into it, of course. But I don't know how long it's been and I feel like I'm starting to lose my grip.
Whatever. Get ahold of yourself, [this part is smudged.] Keep an eye on them. Make sure they're comfortable. And... cross your fingers and hope they show signs of waking up soon.
God have mercy on my soul.
DATE: ???
So, I met this guy...
No, it's not like that. He's way too old for me, for starters, but we have a lot of things in common... and not in the fun away. Turns out, he went through something similar to what we did. The catch is that his situation was way worse. I feel bad for reacting the way I did. Hitting someone with a chair is not the way to make new friends. Guess I should consider myself lucky he didn't take it personally.
Though, I really wish I didn't feel nearly as relieved as I am to have somebody else to talk to.
Sorry.
That makes four buses, but it's only the two of us. Are all these people going to wake up? They dangled our happy endings over our heads, but who are we proctoring FOR if everyone else is asleep?
DATE: ???
It's been a while.
Three more buses arrived. Everyone inside was asleep... again. I'm worried we're going to run out of space before we get news on what this "game" will be. Just a year ago, I thought waiting for my SAT scores was as bad as it got. This is much, much worse.
And he's not taking it any better than I am. If what he told me is true, though, then I really hope this place is more than the saccharine death trap it seems to be.
It's kind of unlikely. But, hey. I can pray for a happy ending, can't I? I found a way to save everyone before. I can do it again.
DATE: ???
An eighth bus showed up. And guess what? Someone walked out of it!
He's really sweet, actually. He doesn't deserve to be here. Neither of them do, really. They've been through more than enough, and I while I really don't want to be stuck in this place, I wish I was the only one in this crappy situation.
Beggars can't be choosers, I guess. There's what the three of us have in common. I couldn't ask for better company. I'm worried, though. Some of his friends were missing, too. Not only that, but he got the same spiel from someone he used to know. Do as I say, or lose your happy ending. Like they haven't gone through enough.
I really hope this is the last bus.
We've taken care of everyone the best we can, but it's depressing. I check on them every day and nothing has changed. I don't know what to do. Will they ever wake up? I just want my friends back.
DATE: ???
I should be dead.
Why the FUCK am I not dead????
There was a frickin hole in my chest. He was bleeding out and I was SO sure we were both fucking goners but
We're okay.
I think we really scared [there is a long section here, smudged to the point where it's completely illegible.] became something else after that. I don't want to see another mirror maze in my life.
DATE: ???
I am officially freaking out.
They arrive here in a week. Our campers. Our jailmates. Our friends.
We did everything we could. That stunt we pulled fucked us up real good. But we still haven't found our way out of this. There's not a single loophole we can think of. That doesn't mean we can't buy ourselves some time, though. Heart had a good idea. We have to play their reindeer games, but the rules won't change until someone dies. For all the power this stupid camp holds over us, there's one thing they can't do. They can't force us to ask our friends to murder each other.
We'll stall until we find our own escape route. No one here deserves to die. Not Heart. Not Shadows. Not our friends. Not even the people asleep in my cabin.
Fuck you, too, camp.
DATE: ???
Easier said than done.
They don't trust us. I get why, obviously. I would be losing my mind if I didn't know what was going on, too. But it still... hurts. A lot. I hate admitting it. He talked to me like I was a complete stranger. The other three didn't even look my way. Some douchebag with a sword fetish tried to strangle me.
I should be happy that our acts and disguises worked. I'm not.
I just feel tired.
Let's talk later. We don't have a lot of time, and we have to get this right.
DATE: ???
Why.
It hasn't even been a week and I'm already sick of pretending to be someone I'm not. I know I have to, obviously. Complaining just makes me feel better. I can almost hear [another smudge] saying something about catharsis. Let it all out, kids! Jesus H. Christ.
My friend chewed me out today. I wanted to tell him the truth, and I couldn't. Will I still have friends by the end of this? Maybe not. It's not like he knows it's me, though. He just sees Winter Wizard... a stranger who might be lying to him.
Would it be better or worse if he knew it was me, his friend who is DEFINITELY lying to him?
I am so going to hell.
DATE: ???
No demons. No evil houses. No corruption.
All of that was true.
We really thought we could stop this.
Why did it have to be him?
I'm such an idiot.
DATE: ???
DATE: ???
I can't get his face out of my headEvery time I close my eyes II have to get my shit together.
DATE: ???
I hate bears.
DATE: ???
I still hate bears.
I also hate boys who skinny dip after you specifically tell them not to. Why are men this way?
But I'm just trying not to think about what's really bothering me, aren't I?
Being on this side of thing is harder. Back then, all I thought about was catching the right person. The culprit. The killer. I guess it was for the sake of getting closure, or something. Knowing what I do now, I wonder if this is how the two of them felt. I feel terrible over what happened. I know I don't feel as bad as I should, though. And that makes me feel worse.
It's getting late. I'm going to check up on them one last time, and call it a night.
DATE: ???
I did it.
It went okay.
I know, I'm as shocked as you are. I was ready to get punched, or slapped, or yelled at... But we had a pretty good conversation. I have no right to feel this happy. I know that. But it felt great to be myself, even if it was for a couple of minutes.
I want to talk to the others, too. I don't know if that's a good idea. I said some things I shouldn't have. Claiming that I felt angry and scared are just excuses. I wouldn't blame them if they decide they want nothing to do with me. It wouldn't be the first time I win a prize for being a bad friend.
DATE: ???
Would he still think I have a soul?
I'm thinking about him more lately, even though I shouldn't. Falling into old habits is bad for me. I know it wasn't my job to save him.
But I stillIt's because of the competition. That's obvious. I'm tired of watching people die. It feels like I've been doing nothing BUT watch people die lately. There's nothing I can do as a "proctor," though. If I try to interfere, someone else will get hurt in my place. At least, back then, I could do something even if it wasn't always the right thing. It feels selfish and self-centered to say this is worse.
It's whatever. If no one dies, then all of us die. Even worse, all 311 of us will lose everything we worked for.
I have to keep working. There has to be a better way.
DATE: ???
Shadows will be okay. Not that there was ever any doubt.
I feel relieved. I shouldn't be, but I still am.
I'm so sorry.
Tomorrow's another day. For now, I'm going to go to sleep. I don't want to think about having to go through seventeen more weeks of this.
DATE: ???
Another day. I thought we were past the stage of being yelled at like we asked for this. Apparently not. My head hurts. But at least it's quieter here.
Checked up on them again. Nothing has changed, though I don't know why I keep expecting it to? I guess I'm hoping that, if they show any signs of waking up, that means things aren't as set in stone as they seem. Maybe it's naive of me. I don't know.
I have to keep working anyway. My team started off with less members than Shadows and Heart's. There has to be something I can do before we run out of time.
DATE: ???
I know some of them are annoyed by it, but it was nice to pretend nothing was wrong even if it was only for a couple of hours. Hanging out with Heart and Shadows is fun. They're really cool, and being around them makes it easier.
Whatever happens, I want to remember that moment. Three friends. Teasing. Making fun of people we like.
. . . One last note: Isn't 3/3=1 basic division?
DATE: ???
I hate this.
DATE: ???
I feel sick. My stomach really hurts and I don't know if it's better or worse that I didn't puke right in front of them. A stronger stomach was never on my self-improvement bucket list.
More work to do tomorrow. I should try to catch some sleep while I can.
DATE: ???
They both came to me today. I missed them so, so much.
There's nothing I can do protect them but, if there's anyone I want to see get out of here alive, it's them. They don't deserve a round two of this bullshit. Not after all the work they put into getting us out the first time.
I still feel sick. Less sick after acting like myself again, but. . . It's not going to get easier no matter how many times I go through this. I know that. There's nothing else to do but grin and bear it.
DATE: ???
Happy [INSERT HOLIDAY HERE]. You've earned the break.
[And after the note, on the journal page itself:]
♡