[of course he is. he always will be. he looks wei wuxian over a little more worriedly, this time, as he continues.]
...especially after Thursday. I- I'm sorry, I really didn't know how bad it would be for you-- I think that your presence there helped, but... I would have warned you if I had any idea. I tried to do what I could to help.
[DO NOT LOOK AT HIM WITH EYES OF WORRY. He already feels miserable over the fact that Beau's zeroed in on him enough to tell something's off, even though he doubts he'll have to worry about that now. Thanks for your sacrifice Nie Huaisang...]
Natalie and Beau could use the fussing. [He offers Wen Ning a little quirk of a smile, because hoo BOY COULD THEY.]
And it's fine - it's not like I told you in advance what we planned on doing, when I probably should have! [A considering pause.] And we were quite thorough in looking through things. Forgive me for opening one of the pouches; I was very careful. [...] For looking through your journal, too.
Beau would want to talk to you, at least. [He can't say one way or another about Natalie since he doesn't know how close they are in general, but he knows Beau likes Wen Ning and doesn't want to be alone right now. That said:]
Mm, I tried not to move things around too much. Majima was careful to mention that he didn't think we should take anything of yours, either. [A little quirk of a smile.] --But I wanted to talk to you about- [A FEW ENTRIES HONESTLY but one in particular stands out above the rest.] -something I saw, in there. Do you really think that? That what I said that first week was right?
Yes. You were. If I'd just- taken more responsibility for that choice, then... young master Wei, you never would have been in this situation.
[it's stuck with him since, exactly because of that. if he had chosen, wei wuxian would not have been picked. he never would have been tasked with these things, wouldn't have to hide it. but because of what wen ning did instead--
[AND HIS ASS JUST WHOLESALE FORGOT THAT HE EVEN SAID THAT UNTIL HE READ THE JOURNAL wow he feels twice the guilt now.
He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.]
Wen Ning... [He knows it doesn't really matter, and that the words he said won't be retracted even if he explains it away, but--] I was angry. Going from the boat to this - of course I'd say whatever I wanted, you know? Because I couldn't do anything else.
[And he knows Wen Ning understands his temper and his temperament, and he knows it hardly matters, because you can't apologize away what you do or say. He knows Wen Ning carries things close to his chest. He knows he probably won't let this go.]
But- [He reaches forward, touching the back of Wen Ning's hand briefly and smiling.] -you've given me something good, here.
I was, though. [HE WAS WRONG TO SAY IT!! He'll fight the shit outta Wen Ning. Just grab this hand he'd touched and fling him through the ceiling.
He glances back toward the blood pool and the bodies within it after that, considering. A surprising few of which are actually his fault. Incredible.]
...I was too angry to think clearly, then. But if a task like this exists at all, I wouldn't want it to fall on anyone else's shoulders, you know? [He's still not entirely convinced that there aren't others like him and Beau on other teams, and he'd rather leave Beau off, but. It's better than nothing.] As long as I'm alive, it's not a problem for others.
[Not that having a more or less guaranteed kill a week apparently STOPS PEOPLE but, you know. That's a problem for tomorrow Wei Wuxian to think about.]
[-well, he knows wei wuxian. knows how he can be. so it's not very surprising that he'd put himself on the line like that if he had the choice, too, just to spare others this sort of work. to make sure they don't have to suffer over it.
but he doesn't want this to hurt wei wuxian, either. he looks slightly conflicted.]
I... understand. I feel the same way about the executions-- if it could just be me every time, then...
Mm. I would have volunteered, if given the opportunity.
[He knows it probably won't be enough to really make Wen Ning stop feeling guilty - and that's his fault, and he'll just have to bear the responsibility for it.
THAT SURE IS HIM TOO THOUGH wow he hates it. He read Wen Ning's diary! He knows how he feels about that execution!!]
Hah, I'm guessing there's no way you can pull the strings for that, hm? Too bad - I wouldn't mind taking that position, either. I'd have been able to kill Nie Huaisang quickly, that way.
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[of course he is. he always will be. he looks wei wuxian over a little more worriedly, this time, as he continues.]
...especially after Thursday. I- I'm sorry, I really didn't know how bad it would be for you-- I think that your presence there helped, but... I would have warned you if I had any idea. I tried to do what I could to help.
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Natalie and Beau could use the fussing. [He offers Wen Ning a little quirk of a smile, because hoo BOY COULD THEY.]
And it's fine - it's not like I told you in advance what we planned on doing, when I probably should have! [A considering pause.] And we were quite thorough in looking through things. Forgive me for opening one of the pouches; I was very careful. [...] For looking through your journal, too.
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I'll have to talk to them, too, if... they want to.
[he doesn't think natalie will talk to him much, and beau... he's very worried about beau, too, but she might not want to be Accosted.]
And- it's... all right. I thought you might, while you were there. I know you'd be careful with both.
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Beau would want to talk to you, at least. [He can't say one way or another about Natalie since he doesn't know how close they are in general, but he knows Beau likes Wen Ning and doesn't want to be alone right now. That said:]
Mm, I tried not to move things around too much. Majima was careful to mention that he didn't think we should take anything of yours, either. [A little quirk of a smile.] --But I wanted to talk to you about- [A FEW ENTRIES HONESTLY but one in particular stands out above the rest.] -something I saw, in there. Do you really think that? That what I said that first week was right?
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Yes. You were. If I'd just- taken more responsibility for that choice, then... young master Wei, you never would have been in this situation.
[it's stuck with him since, exactly because of that. if he had chosen, wei wuxian would not have been picked. he never would have been tasked with these things, wouldn't have to hide it. but because of what wen ning did instead--
it's his fault.]
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He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.]
Wen Ning... [He knows it doesn't really matter, and that the words he said won't be retracted even if he explains it away, but--] I was angry. Going from the boat to this - of course I'd say whatever I wanted, you know? Because I couldn't do anything else.
[And he knows Wen Ning understands his temper and his temperament, and he knows it hardly matters, because you can't apologize away what you do or say. He knows Wen Ning carries things close to his chest. He knows he probably won't let this go.]
But- [He reaches forward, touching the back of Wen Ning's hand briefly and smiling.] -you've given me something good, here.
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[he definitely won't be letting this one go! haha. it's... fine.
but his eyes fix on wei wuxian's hand when it touches his own, before he glances back up.]
...I have?
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He glances back toward the blood pool and the bodies within it after that, considering. A surprising few of which are actually his fault. Incredible.]
...I was too angry to think clearly, then. But if a task like this exists at all, I wouldn't want it to fall on anyone else's shoulders, you know? [He's still not entirely convinced that there aren't others like him and Beau on other teams, and he'd rather leave Beau off, but. It's better than nothing.] As long as I'm alive, it's not a problem for others.
[Not that having a more or less guaranteed kill a week apparently STOPS PEOPLE but, you know. That's a problem for tomorrow Wei Wuxian to think about.]
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[-well, he knows wei wuxian. knows how he can be. so it's not very surprising that he'd put himself on the line like that if he had the choice, too, just to spare others this sort of work. to make sure they don't have to suffer over it.
but he doesn't want this to hurt wei wuxian, either. he looks slightly conflicted.]
I... understand. I feel the same way about the executions-- if it could just be me every time, then...
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[He knows it probably won't be enough to really make Wen Ning stop feeling guilty - and that's his fault, and he'll just have to bear the responsibility for it.
THAT SURE IS HIM TOO THOUGH wow he hates it. He read Wen Ning's diary! He knows how he feels about that execution!!]
Hah, I'm guessing there's no way you can pull the strings for that, hm? Too bad - I wouldn't mind taking that position, either. I'd have been able to kill Nie Huaisang quickly, that way.