A clever little trick to make me think she'd be here. I almost would have fallen for it if I wasn't as prepared as I am. Hah. Maybe that's the paranoia talking.
Today I got hit with a chair, so I can cross that off my bucket list. Not. Looks like I'm not as alone as I thought? I don't know how long she's been here, but the way she looked at me when I explained that ship...I don't want anyone to ever look at me that way ever again. Her game wasn't like that. So. More buses came before me. We don't know if more will come after. All we can do is wait...that's the part I hate the most though.
I don't get it. First she ran her own game. Then he was forced to proctor on the ship. So why me? Is it a team bonding exercise because I'm not happy with it. Who the fuck are we even proctoring for if everyone's still asleep? God. What the fuck do I do?
The answer, it seems, is tap into the field. That still works which is better than how things went on that ship. I can see things. But none of them make sense to me. I don't know how to read this. I wish...this wasn't so messed up. But if this is a chance to save them...I'll do it. Whatever it takes. I'm not losing. I'll save them myself.
Haha so anyway my life's a fucking cosmic joke, as usual. But that make sense. My life hasn't really been mine for the last few years. My body's barely been mine. Who the fuck even am I anymore? We got a roster today...the rest of them that were missing are on it. They're being pulled here to play the game. But we're not letting that happen. No way. They've all suffered enough, I'm not going to force them into another competition just because things got derailed. ...the others agreed with my idea. We'll just have to stall for time and see how we can fix this. And we'll just have to agree to play our part, follow the rules, and try not to let on who we are.
...I've been asleep on and off for five days. I can't...handle this much information. It's too much. All of their timelines and memories and experiences are crossing with mine. Is it always going to be like this? All of their pain and suffering and potential outcomes right in my hands. Maybe I should just go back to sleep. But...the bus will be coming soon.
Today I discovered I'm kin with an ouija board. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Maybe I should introduce myself as Jack though. People seem to like that name. But...it's been a good way to read everybody and get to know them myself. We picked our teams based on what we knew, but...it's just the Knowledge Argument all over again. Knowing and experiencing are two different things. Maybe that's why I'm so scared of fucking this up from this end. It's easy to hide behind a board when no one can see me. Is it going to be as easy face to face with those five? Guess it's showtime.
An update: no. No, it's not easy. I hate my job. I'm good at it, it seems, but I hate it. I've had to lie to a lot of people in the past, and I'm lying to them now. Countdown to when this all blows up in my face... ...some of them are nice though. It's nice that they have hope still. Even with more of the remnants starting to seep through, maybe things will be okay? People are paranoid and angry at us which, like, yeah me too, but they're safe. That's all that matters.
...an accident. It's a ruling based on an accident, and now we have to go collect Tsurumaru's body and hold a trial for a teenager who didn't even mean to do anything wrong. God. Fuck. FUCK.
Haha. What a shitty game. I can't even help them without risking hurting myself, the others, or any of them. Our hands really are tied now that it's started. God DAMNIT. What are we supposed to do now?
Sometimes...you just have to lay on the floor of your co-worker's cabin and whine about the injustice of it all. Or drink. Or both. ...I'm not ready for tomorrow.
I'm never letting anything terrible happen to Winter ever again. She's been through enough, and for that...no. Never. I'll do everything to protect them, too. But that was...brutal even by my standards.
I'm starting to lose in this competition, and that's unacceptable. So...time to think of a new strategy. But what? And in other news: I'm kind of really into an idiot but maybe it's a good thing he doesn't know flower language.
We need to tell them. We need to tell them about what's at stake and then maybe... ...it has to happen this way. None of us wanted it, but none of us really want to lose either so. Isn't that how it always goes? Play the game, or die. And the worst part is that we still have to find the fanatic and stop the apocalypse whenever I get home. God.
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Looks like I'm not as alone as I thought? I don't know how long she's been here, but the way she looked at me when I explained that ship...I don't want anyone to ever look at me that way ever again.
Her game wasn't like that.
So. More buses came before me. We don't know if more will come after.
All we can do is wait...that's the part I hate the most though.
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Who the fuck are we even proctoring for if everyone's still asleep?
God. What the fuck do I do?
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I can see things. But none of them make sense to me. I don't know how to read this.
I wish...this wasn't so messed up.
But if this is a chance to save them...I'll do it. Whatever it takes. I'm not losing.
I'll save them myself.
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Who the fuck even am I anymore?
We got a roster today...the rest of them that were missing are on it.
They're being pulled here to play the game.
But we're not letting that happen. No way. They've all suffered enough, I'm not going to force them into another competition just because things got derailed.
...the others agreed with my idea. We'll just have to stall for time and see how we can fix this.
And we'll just have to agree to play our part, follow the rules, and try not to let on who we are.
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Maybe I should just go back to sleep. But...the bus will be coming soon.
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Maybe I should introduce myself as Jack though. People seem to like that name.
But...it's been a good way to read everybody and get to know them myself. We picked our teams based on what we knew, but...it's just the Knowledge Argument all over again. Knowing and experiencing are two different things.
Maybe that's why I'm so scared of fucking this up from this end.
It's easy to hide behind a board when no one can see me.
Is it going to be as easy face to face with those five?
Guess it's showtime.
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I hate my job. I'm good at it, it seems, but I hate it.
I've had to lie to a lot of people in the past, and I'm lying to them now.
Countdown to when this all blows up in my face...
...some of them are nice though.
It's nice that they have hope still. Even with more of the remnants starting to seep through, maybe things will be okay? People are paranoid and angry at us which, like, yeah me too, but they're safe.
That's all that matters.
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God. Fuck.
FUCK.
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I can't even help them without risking hurting myself, the others, or any of them.
Our hands really are tied now that it's started.
God DAMNIT.
What are we supposed to do now?
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Or drink.
Or both.
...I'm not ready for tomorrow.
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I'll do everything to protect them, too.
But that was...brutal even by my standards.
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And in other news: I'm kind of really into an idiot but maybe it's a good thing he doesn't know flower language.
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...it has to happen this way. None of us wanted it, but none of us really want to lose either so.
Isn't that how it always goes?
Play the game, or die.
And the worst part is that we still have to find the fanatic and stop the apocalypse whenever I get home.
God.