gatonina | TL;CR MEME

i will do every single one no matter how long, so hit me

I would never hit Flurry.

ZENITSU oh zenitsu, beau loves zenitsu. he's such a sweet boy.

beau struggled a lot with him this game, i think - not in a bad way, but in a way where she wanted to be there for him but couldn't always figure out how to. zenitsu is much quieter than the other boys who needed her attention, and so sometimes he fell by the wayside because she assumed he'd be okay. when you make yourself asch's babysitter, it kind of just ends up being a full time job. but she genuinely enjoyed having him around and every time they talked she was happy to try her best to cheer him up and to give him a little confidence.

a big part of beau's problem this game was her struggling with give and take. she felt like she was taking so much from everybody that she had to double the amount of give she was doing, and she overwhelmed herself quick, because like - she's a caring person, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's good at taking care of people. and zenitsu probably got his fair share of her going back and forth on things, from trying to be sweet to him to kind of verbally giving him a kick in the butt. she could see how sad he was in places but she never knew how to coax it out of him. and he kept just being nice to her back - sidenote here, every time he got very excited about something she did it was like a rush of dopamine for beau. it was nice. like when she made pancakes for him and he was like beau's pancakes!! she nearly collapsed with how pleased that made her.

i put it on the cr chart a few times but beau has always been so concerned about his poor heart. he went through so much emotional damage this game, god. the whole asch and zenitsu thing was such a mess and she had so much to deal with re: asch that poor zen got pushed to the wayside, but she really did worry.

well, and then nhs died, and she threw a fit at chuuya in the middle of the mess hall. zenitsu jumping in to stop her surprised her, and it was because it was surprising that i think she was able to calm down enough to let him and yin yu drag her off. she was dealing with so much at that point that she was liable to crack at any point. so zenitsu being sweet to her was appreciated - especially in their twenty questions thread, like he told her that her laugh was cute and i don't think ANYBODY has ever said that to her before, ever. she's going to remember that compliment for years, so zenitsu can feel proud of himself for that.

and then he died and that was fucking awful, because she'd JUST promised shinobu she was going to look after him, and here he goes, dying. she was deep in her mafia depression at that point so zenitsu's death was just kind of like throwing another shovel full of dirt into her grave - she was already kind of dead inside so one more loss was just numbing. phoenix took it so hard too and beau just resigned herself to not feeling anything and just trying to make sure phoenix didn't spiral any harder.

with the murder confessions... zenitsu was one of those people she was worried about the most as far as his reaction. she forgave him for being a killer in blues, because it objectively wasn't his fault, but - she wasn't sure if she'd get the same thing in return. esp because she wasn't possessed. so him giving her her own words back was such a relief and mean more than she could ever say. step one to eventually forgiving herself.

(oh, and bc it didn't fit anywhere else - she will never admit this, but she's jealous of how much asch cares about zenitsu. she's stupid.)

Edited 2020-07-29 06:12 (UTC)

(no subject)

swordflash - 2020-08-08 17:36 (UTC) - Expand

MEEEEE

i was gonna start this off by saying yams is a good boy but he's really not

beau thinks he is, though. she's obviously got a kind of skewed sense of morality in that loyalty is more important than anything else. she's never had many friends in her life and so when she does make them, when she does have them - she gets ride or die for them pretty quick. yams is not exactly like that, but he does have a stupid amount of loyalty, which she saw pretty quickly when he was talking about both okita and sanji. same hat, obviously, because beau was about to go feral for both phoenix and huaisang if anything happened to them.

she already liked him well enough before week three, thought he was cute - and then he came to find her after huaisang's trial and execution and her opinion of him shot up. beau's aware what huaisang did wasn't the best, but he did it for her - he killed people to make it so that she wouldn't have to. it didn't make a difference because beau still had to, but regardless, after everything they'd been through there was no way she wasn't going to stick up for him. he was a little bit of stability in her life that she needed. yams got that? or at least he got it enough that even if he had his own feelings about it, he didn't mention them and just gave her a hug instead. the fact that he was angry over how the execution happened too, and that he didn't try to downplay how upset she was endeared him to her pretty thoroughly.

so when he came up as the murderer next week, she didn't begrudge him at all. how could she? he was playing the game, just like her, and he lost someone dear to him, just like her. she couldn't really help try to find another murderer if only because she didn't want to be caught, but honestly, if he'd won the execution, she wouldn't have been angry. he was doing what he thought he had to do, and beau could never hold it against him for that, even if he did kill someone she was relying on. that's just the way this shit goes.

beau likes yams, and she respects him - she feels like he's one of the only people that really understood that none of this was meant to be personal, and that the game was the one who did this to all of them. she had to take this whole game and treat it like a game, or she never would've gotten through it.

so in the end, i think yams ended up being her favorite sword, tying with tonbo, because he wasn't even a government assigned darts player and he still saw shit the way the rest of the maf did. she really hopes he gets to reunite with his master. it'd be deserved.

meeeee

HER FAVORITE ELF WIZARD time for late night tl;cr i might edit this in the morning but

from the start, beau liked taako. the fact that his world is at all similar to hers helped, and getting to talk magic was great. she also respects a dude that has a portable tank just following him around. he's got a good sense of humor and he's just fucking weird, too, which beau vibes with in general.

the thing that really endeared her to him though was week one, when they were both drunk as fuck after never have I ever, and basically just... hung out for a bit? and taako mentioned his sister, and beau basically saw a little bit of something deeper there. most of their conversations were surface level, but beau genuinely enjoyed talking with him and tossing dumb jokes back and forth. she started stealing some of his words and phrases, too.

and then, sunday, the post-ogata execution. the distraction of hot or not while she was high on painkillers is something that she really, really appreciated. ogata was so much, and she'd had so many emotional conversations at that point that having something stupid and silly to focus on helped her get past the worst of it. plus, the fact that he came to check on her at all, despite everything... taako was a friend, at this point.

HUAISANG'S TRIAL, THOUGH - week three, when beau was losing her shit over huaisang being accused, taako stood up for her. of all the people in the camp other than magnus, taako got what it means to be so fiercely loyal to someone that you'd put yourself up for suspicion just to defend them. he said something, and then after, talking to her and confirming that yeah, he would've done the same for magnus - it made her feel a little less alone. a little less crazy for feeling the way she was feeling.

you know, it's funny going back through some of these threads because they were both into the murder scene pretty hard at this point and they're both just kind of... talking around it? taako being like "it's putting the rules of this game ahead of the people you care about, don't get hung up on winning or losing" and beau just agreeing with him because both of them knew it wasn't going to matter in the long run...

huaisang's execution was a super messy traumatic thing for beau in general but... not once did she want taako to lose. obviously she was gutted over huaisang getting stabbed to death with a pen but - she genuinely likes taako and thought of him as a friend even at this point, and I think her thought in the moment was she didn't even want huaisang to win. I think her reasoning was she could take it if she lost one important person, but she knew taako was important to several people in the camp and taking him away from them would've fucked those people up. beau's convinced huaisang is really only important to her, and following her whole arc this game, well. it was just one more sacrifice she ended up having to make. it would've been a mess if huaisang had won. and it wouldn't have made her feel any better, either. there was no winning with that fight.

taako and magnus offering her the healing gem even after all of that was a kindness she still doesn't think she deserved very much.

so week four comes along and beau points real, real hard at magnus for murder, and taako just MAKES HER SWEAT. that thread was so fucking funny, he like straight up just called her a murderer to her face, and beau's just like christ, all of china is going to know my Crimes, taako's gonna sell me out!! and then instead the next day taako invites all of the maf to a meeting and completely reverses all of their moods.

she's said it icly and we've all talked about it oocly several times, but taako really did save her life that week, I think.

taako quickly became beau's stabilizing point. they didn't become besties or anything but they did get closer, and they did vibe completely on the same wavelength. both of them thinking that they'd given so much already, that they deserved to not have to lose anything else, especially with the whole kara vs magnus being voted for thing. I don't think the rest of the mafia felt exactly the same way that they did about how that went, so it was a relief for beau to be able to scream about it and have someone agree wholeheartedly. sometimes you want to be selfish, and sometimes you want to not have to say "I know I'm an asshole, but this is how I feel" - and taako gave her that outlet. it got her through the worst of the last week of murder.

beau still is sort of uncertain on how much taako cares, but she knows he does at least a little. he's her friend, and she loves him, and she's going to help him beat the hunger. and also maybe date his sister, listen.

the evolution of this cr will be upsetting to read....

THIS CR WAS A WILD RIDE I THINK

i think, right off the bat, beau really respected giyuu. she likes it when people are blunt and upfront, and so when in like, their first conversation giyuu was basically like, "yes, i orchestrated the murders and it's all on me," and beau's immediate response to that is like, awesome, own it, but don't let it take you over and try to remember the good part of you didn't want to do what you did. which is funny since that advice is the opposite of what she did but listen.

so she starts off with a particularly positive view of giyuu - beau likes the standoffish people! she tends to get along with out outcasts so to speak and she almost immediately pegged giyuu as an outcast, someone who needed a little bit of nudging. she didn't have a full picture of who he was and she wanted to figure that out so she could do her best to bring him into the fold. she never wants people to feel like she did before she met the mighty nein, and she thought that maybe that's how giyuu was. pretty early on beau decided she was going to try and make giyuu see that he didn't have to drown in guilt for what he did on the island, and so a lot of her early conversations with him were trying to lead him to the conclusion of hey, you're a better person than you realize and kind of just, not being able to do it.

and then she got her government assigned murder role and some things changed for her.

a lot of beau's concentration turned to making sure she didn't get caught, after that. she didn't want to die for a lot of reasons - because she didn't want someone else to inherit the role, because she promised wei wuxian she wouldn't, because her friends needed her (specifically phoenix, though - she needed to be here for him because she was afraid of what would happen if she wasn't). so she couldn't focus full on with people who she might have gotten really hands-on "don't hate yourself" with if she hadn't had a role. but even so, she still liked giyuu enough to try and help in her own way.

neither wei wuxian or beau knew there were other roles out killing for the same reason they were, so they assumed that people would just go off and pick off the most suspicious or people who seemed to have the least amount of friends in order to fulfill the weekly kill count. giyuu was at the top of beau's list for protecting because she knew he was honest about his role on the island. she didn't think he deserved to be killed for that, for something that wasn't his conscious decision and for something that happened in a completely different place with different circumstances. so they protected giyuu the first week, knowing that they'd have to go out to fight if someone did pick him. it didn't end up being him, though, obviously.

their hot spring thread was such a good thread because beau got the impression that giyuu was really trying to be a Friend. she appreciated him asking after her, and asking about phoenix (beau loves to talk about phoenix and how great he is, the sap) - and he got some points for that. he also complimented her!! which thoroughly surprised her but it made her happy all the same. she doesn't get a lot of compliments and she knew he didn't give a lot of compliments, so it was a nice bonding moment.

which was a nice thing to have bc then she was reeling after week two's trial and execution; that was the first time she'd killed someone, and she'd gotten away with it. there are a lot of people in this camp that could kill someone no sweat, but... beau is not one of them. not like this, not in this context. she's fought and helped kill bandits and stuff, but that's nothing in comparison to hunting someone down, killing them, and then watching their friends cry the next day. she'd just had a mental breakdown the day before on a person or two, and was desperately trying to find anything to distract herself with.

so she zoomed in because giyuu was injured and had lost an arm, because she got to fuss at someone. it's easier to help other people than to help herself, and like... well, she didn't think she deserved a whole lot of help, anyway. so she tried to help in her own way, which basically just meant she scolded giyuu for standing up while under the influence of missing an arm.

and then he died. which she wasn't expecting to happen. she sent him a letter - sorry we didn't do better for you - because she was sorry. at the time, she did wish they had caught giyuu's killer. and then that was that, until the end.

we've been over the conversation they had through trial for the most part - it was a bad time to try and work through the issue, but beau was still upset because she felt like he wasn't giving her the same amount of chance that he gave the others. the fact that he listened to taako, someone he wasn't really friends with, but wouldn't listen to her, someone she thought she was friends with - that hurt her. and it was especially frustrating for beau, i think, because her impression was that people forgave shinobu immediately; her other impression was that the fact that shinobu took her own life rather than kill someone else made her somehow more morally upstanding to the others (specifically the graveyard). the fact that both shinobu (and flayn, to an extent) seemed like they were getting more of the "this must've been so hard for you," response made beau feel like she was some sort of monster, like people assumed beau was doing it for fun or was less guilt-wracked about it.

it's why she snapped at him - he immediately brought up minako and put her on the defensive because minako is the one she felt the worst about. and then he mentioned he couldn't necessarily forgive shinobu but that he'd stand by her side anyway, and beau just took that as "but not you, though." there was also a lot of "you didn't do enough to solve things, not like minako" laced in that conversation too that she was getting and that felt like another slap.

she gave up because they had to focus on the snake, but. it stuck with her because she'd had similar conversations where in her experience, people were not giving her the same allowances they gave the other killers. also she was super put off by the "I would choose the people who contributed the least" killing strategy because she just does not vibe with that whatsoever.

i think after the conversation they had at the end, she was less... angry? still hurt though. and she didn't lie about them still being friends, but i definitely think she intended to distance herself. for her own sake, mostly, because even though he said he understood after wei wuxian explained more, she's still upset that that is what it took. that he didn't listen to her, first.

so... friends but in that acquaintance "we used to be better but it won't be that way again" way?? weh

Edited 2020-08-09 16:01 (UTC)

slides in here

natalie and beau's cr just makes me the most sad because of what it could've been!!! also this is not organized perfectly, I just kind of spilled my words all over everything.

beau just like, adopts teenagers wherever she goes apparently, so like - natalie was that, almost immediately. you mentioned in yours that natalie saw a lot of herself in beau, and beau IMMEDIATELY saw the same in reverse. beau was very much like natalie as a teenager and like, was still sort of that even up to the point where she met the nein. natalie saying she'd rather be handless than sit and be stuck to beau for a few hours (which actually kind of hurt beau's feelings, weh) and her not being able to take the compliment about being good at piano were both examples of this.

god, beau said "I'm probably gonna say something to piss you off eventually, so we'll be even then." at the end of one of their earliest threads and i just stared at the ceiling. beau didn't know she was a kill role at that point, but she knows herself well enough that eventually, she'll say something and it'll set fire to her relationship aND BOY HOWDY, DID SHE.

but anyway - with the similarities that beau found in natalie, she knew that there could be change? beau found friends, and she started to grow up, and learn how to be less awkward and more empathetic, more of a good person, so she figured like... if she tried to befriend natalie, natalie could also get there! that tracks, right? and she could see bits of it too. the more beau tried, the easier it got. they still ran into roadblocks, but. it was getting better. and natalie was showing that she cared, too, like - natalie stopping her from throwing plates after phoenix startled beau enough that she actually just straight up told natalie about her real shitty dad. beau doesn't do that a whole lot, but she felt like maybe if she shared a little bit of her own shitty backstory, natalie would feel more comfortable doing it with beau.

natalie asking beau to teach her how to fight was also so good. that was when beau really felt the most like she was making a connection, you know, like - she was helping, they were finally on the same page with humor and understanding, and beau already had a little bit of experience being a big sister role so she was settling in to that. she really wanted to prove to natalie that she could be trusted. but then beau was told she was going to have to kill, and... things kind of changed.

during their practice thread, natalie said she hoped that she wouldn't need to use the stuff beau was teaching her, and beau straight up was like "I'm gonna do what I can to make sure you won't need to," which was basically just her saying I won't go after you, not ever. and past that - the more that beau heard about hannibal, the more she started to convince herself that she was bad for natalie. because natalie had been through a massive betrayal, she'd trusted someone and he'd turned out to have been a person who just really did his best to hurt people, to kill people and not help, and - well. that's what beau was doing, right? she was going to have to hurt people every week. she was going to have to kill people every week. and natalie didn't deserve having to get close to someone and then realize that again, that person had been lying the whole time.

"I don't want to be that blind again," natalie said, and beau was like - yeah. yeah, you should be careful. beau would never have picked natalie to kill, but still - you should always be careful.

so beau started to try and put distance between her and natalie. which didn't work all that much because natalie was sweet to her in her own natalie way after ogata. haha god that fucking week - beau killed ogata and then immediately was told monday morning that she had to pick someone else to kill, and then she did, she was the one who attacked and murdered hikage. so she killed two people, and it was on her mind every time she talked to natalie. and then for memshare week, beau really felt connected to natalie because of the way natalie handled hannibal. natalie had nothing, and then she had something, she had a father figure she cared about, and beau just sat there and thought about how she would've done exactly the same thing if phoenix had betrayed her like that. beau already had killed people. she couldn't and wouldn't judge, and if the week three trial hadn't happened I really think beau wouldn't have been able to pull herself away like she wanted to.

BUT OH MAN. WEEK THREE TRIAL.

beau runs on emotion. she reacts first and then thinks about it later, and while she's not exactly sorry that she defended nhs, she is sorry about the way she handled it. at this point, the previous week, nhs had woken up to beau and wwx being awake already and just staring at him in hopes that he'd give them a curfew effect to work with. so nhs knew beau was a killer, and the reasoning behind his decision to kill people was that people needed to play the game, so beau wouldn't have to do it. except she still had to anyway, even if nhs did. so beau and wei wuxian killed threepio that week, they came back to the cabin they were staying in, and nhs was there and awake. he couldn't tell her who he killed and she couldn't tell him who she killed. so she knew he had killed someone, just not who or how. it didn't matter. he'd covered for her the week before, and he was the only one in the camp who knew her secret other than wei wuxian. it wasn't fair of her, but she needed him alive because having that little bit of understanding (and everything else that nhs is to her) was what was keeping her going.

she knows it wasn't right of her to say what she did about percy and jason to natalie's face, but in the moment, she was clinging for literally anything. she self destructed all over the place in that trial and it didn't matter, because he still died, and she still had to watch him choke on his own blood in front of her.

so she had that to deal with, plus the massive amount of guilt and grief she was still feeling from having to kill people, and natalie just sort of fell off her radar. she couldn't figure out how to fix things and she didn't think highly enough about herself to think she'd be able to talk through it without making natalie angry. it didn't even occur to her that natalie was angry about what beau said during trial, she just figured natalie was angry because nhs killed someone and beau defended him, even after all the evidence pointed to him, and like - that was half right, but beau's an idiot sometimes. she dug herself into that hole of "i will be the bad guy" and never really managed to drag herself out of it. she's used to being that back home, like. her dad does the "well, YOU were a shitty kid," thing to her, her friends constantly tell her that she's rude and abrasive and not good at talking to people, and that she ruins all the social situations she's in. like there are several times in canon where the other party members are like don't let beau talk because she'll ruin this and beau kind of just... internalizes this. so she was like it's okay, you can use me as a bad guy, i can take it - and had no idea that's not really what natalie wanted out of her.

god as i'm typing i just realize there were a LOT of times where beau and natalie tried to help each other by telling the other what they would want to hear if the role was reversed, and it just not always hitting right. all of beau's apologies and the way she was like "what, do you want a prize?" re: jason and percy's death - that all would've been something beau needed to hear, and she would've taken it and been like no, you're right. but that was DEFINITELY not what natalie needed, and beau had no idea, wheezes. communication issues!!

so emotionshare thread. hoo boy. natalie's emotions hit beau hard. she hadn't realized how much it was really hurting natalie until then, but having it all laid out on the table was a sucker punch. beau lost one person - natalie lost everything, and beau was the cause. indirectly, sure, but she still was. nhs killed percy and jason because he was trying to help beau, and she knew it. beau was out killing people every week, and she was causing this sort of pain in people, and beau had no idea what to do with that, so she sort of just retreated and told herself she wasn't allowed to be upset anymore. which worked until about midnight that day and beau ended up going to yin yu to stop her from having a panic attack over the shit she'd done. but - yeah, she was so utterly overwhelmed by the loss she felt from natalie that she barely even registered what natalie was saying and i'm kicking my feet because i think if they'd gotten the chance to talk about what natalie was actually upset about, they might've been able to work it out. god.

the rest of the game beau was just on eggshells - she never knew what was going to upset natalie and she was afraid to break the fragile peace between them, so she just sort of backed off entirely until the killers announced themselves! and boy howdy was she not expecting natalie to be someone who understood.

but... natalie getting it, and telling her that she was sorry that beau had to go through it? that eased a lot of beau's pain about it. i'll have to go back and reread other threads but i think there were really only like, one or two people that told beau they were sorry that she had to do it, and selfish or not, that was what beau was looking for. just the acknowledgement that she did the best she could was all she wanted, and she could figure out how to deal with the guilt and misery of killing people later. it was enough that beau felt like maybe she didn't fuck everything up.

BASICALLY basically - beau ended the game with the same sort of sentiment. she hopes natalie gets to go home with percy and jason and be loved, and she hopes that maybe someday in the future she'll have the guts to go visit.

yells at softly

ogata is such a mystery

i think beau ended the game liking ogata? which is really buckwild if you think about it. she definitely did not like him at all at the start, which is probably not surprising, but. i can't even remember what he said to her to make her dislike him, i think it was literally just because he was like "you'll die early if you're drunk" which is not even incorrect, he just said it in his ogata way. a lot of beau's dislike for ogata came from seeing him interact with other people, i think. she didn't really care much until it came to the end of week one.

(it's funny because wei wuxian and beau were all ready to kill ogata for their first government assigned murder, but he ended up being scapegoated instead)

so week one trial comes around and beau knew he didn't do it. it didn't seem like him, honestly. based on what she'd heard and what she knew about ogata, she figured if he was going to kill someone, it would've been someone else, like... idk, flayn or dimitri. so he gets scapegoated because nobody liked him, and it gave her such asch vibes that it was hard for her to not immediately feel sorry for him. and then he just spilled his daddy issues all over the floor and she?? felt even more bad for him??

beau's morals are kind of all over the place. she wants to do good, but she's also one of those people who looks at the bad things people have done and tries to see them from their point of view. i think ogata may have not gotten quite the same level of understanding if beau hadn't already been friends with asch, but as it was, she basically looked at what he told her and decided that his fucked up circumstances... well, didn't give him a pass, but made him someone she wasn't going to immediately condemn. she's done some real shitty stuff in her past - and she knew she was about to do more shitty stuff in her future, because by that point she knew that she was going to have to kill people. plus, beau also has daddy issues. she didn't like, kill a bunch of people to get her dad's attention, but she did act out pretty horribly.

and she's also convinced that ogata wants people to hate him, which is partially why she refuses to do it. she's a contrarian that way.

so she's in this weird sort of "i don't hate ogata which feels weird but i don't" mood, and of course, she gets rolled for executioner. in the moment, and for a few days after, she was furious with him, and with herself. she'd given him something to use against her, and he did. he fought for his life, and... she couldn't begrudge him for it. as time went by she came to the conclusion that she offered up that information, and that it was his right to use it against her, because he was innocent of the crime he was convicted for. she thinks she probably would've done the same thing, if she'd been in his position.

the letters he kept sending to her actually did hurt her feelings! she actually thought that he knew with that last one, and she panicked a little at the other mafia when she got it. but she kept her hurt feelings to herself, half because she didn't want to give him the satisfaction, and half because she figured he was doing it to get extra misery.

by the end of the game, beau's like... neutral leaning to liking, i think. she doesn't dislike ogata, but she doesn't love him, either? she is maybe a little jealous of his relationship with anaido, but listen. that's secondary. she thinks maybe after everything they could still be friends - and she doesn't necessarily even want to fix him or anything, because she doesn't think he's broken, just, like. she just thinks maybe he could use some positive influences maybe. that's what she got, and she thinks she turned out okay, after meeting her positive influences. so - she's offering a hand out, i think.

(who knows maybe they will be besties in the future, only time will tell)

Edited 2020-08-10 00:00 (UTC)